I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
