Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
