Please, let me fuck your mom
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
