My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
no you cant smoke seaweed
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I didn't notice because vodka
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
