We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
