i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
