i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
