I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
