Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
