I CAN MOONWALK!
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
