Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
