It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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