and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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