Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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