I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
