I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
