Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize