Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Randomize
