I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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