A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
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I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
why is half of my head shaved?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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