You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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