saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
