i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
