So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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