ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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