Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
no you cant smoke seaweed
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
