So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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