I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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