just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
