Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
