Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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