So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
