hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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