no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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