I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
