i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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