today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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