Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
