i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
