I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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