My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
