Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
