My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
