Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why are your pants in the freezer?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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