Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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