He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
