Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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