I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
