I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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