if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
