I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
