besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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