You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
