Soap is not a condiment
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
