he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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