I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
